TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from position. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another put the place American Adult men can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give Absolutely everyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is that he should really halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long Trump Tower Damascus run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD may have transform-down services."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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